Monday, December 03, 2007

The last month...

My life has fallen down
around me before
- lots of times,
for lots of reasons -
usually other people.

And most of the time
I was fortunate enough
to have a large lump of
that life hit me on the
head and render me numb
to the pain and desolation
that followed

And I survived.
And I lived to love again.

But this,
this slow erosion from below
- or within -
it's me falling down around my life
because you're still in that life
- but not really.

And you're out of that life
- but not quite.

I do all right
and better
I do very poorly

In solitude
I do much,
in love
I do more,
in doubt
I only transfer
pain to paper
in gigantic Passion Plays
complete with miracles and martyrs
and crucifixions and resurrections.

Come to stay
stay away.

This series of passion poems
is becoming a heavy cross to bare.

To give you up.

What a bell of freedom
that rings within me.

No more waiting for
phone calls
that never happened.

No more creative energy
in conversations never had
in emails never sent
in journals never shared.

And, after awhile,

no more insomnia,

no more insanity.

Some more happiness,

some more life.

All it took was giving you up.

But that took quite a bit.

What do I do
now that you're gone?

Well, when there's
nothing else going on,
which is quite often,
I sit in a corner and
I cry
until I am
too numbed
to feel.

Paralyzed, motionless
for a while, nothing
inside or out.

Then I think
how much I miss you.

Then I feel

I cry
until I am
too numbed
to feel.

Interesting way to pass the time.

the sun will rise
in a few minutes

i'ts been doing it
- regularly -
for as long as I
can remember.

maybe I should
pin my hopes
on important,
but often
like that,

not on such relatively
trivial matters as
whether you will ever
love me
or whether you
ever did...
because I'm still not sure

I must conquer my loneliness


I must be happy with myself
or I have
to offer.

Two halves have
little choice
but to
and yes,
they do
make a

but two
when they coincide...

that is

that is

For those of you who don't know, Michael and I broke off our relationship and the future we had planned a month ago, (today actually). It's been quite difficult the last few weeks, but I have amazing family and friends who have been here both physically in person, and emotionally who have helped me through. It helps that I'm such a crazy busy person, which I know can also be a detriment, but has been helpful lately because I don't have much time alone to contemplate the what-ifs and such. I finally do have just enough time alone to start reflection and start the growth process, which I know still includes some mourning and some pain, but I also know I can handle it to a certain extent now, without it being the end of my day. I don't believe that "everything happens for a reason" in the sense that "this" happened to teach a lesson, or to make me a better person, but I do believe I will find reason in what happened. I believe that the only way to "survive" this is to grow as a person, and become a better person because of what happened. I do know however, that I still need help, and still need support, especially because of the holidays, and because of various anniversaries coming up. I know that God is good, and that I am loved. And I trust that there are many better things to come in life.

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