Saturday, May 31, 2008

Frustrated...

I'm frustrated...

I'm wondering if I have thick enough skin to do my job?

I'm wondering if those who want to criticize me and critique me have thick enough skin to do the same?

Have a little compassion and understanding - why am I supposed to be perfect?

Why am I supposed to be something you never could be? (Or me for that matter?) Why do you expect me to be something you don't even expect yourself to be?

Saturday, May 10, 2008

Making Plans

I know "they" always say...something to the effect of... "the minute you make plans, God is going to laugh at them" - Don't make plans... God has something planned for you...And if you don't make the same plans that God has planned for you, your life will change... to fit God's plans for you...

Hmmmm....

I'm kind of struggling lately with this whole "making plans" thing. I'm supposed to have a plan. As a young 20-something I'm supposed to have them. If I don't have a plan, then I appear irresponsible and without goals etc. So I make plans. RIGHT - then they change. So I make tenative plans - but then those change... so then I don't make plans, I just sort of think tenatively of what might happen if things happen to go in this or that direction in the future... and then things change again.

When Michael and I were still together, the tenative plan was to stay here, graduate December 2008, find a CPE position and then go from there depending on Michael and I's plans together. But then I ended things with Michael... change in plans.

I plan to stay in my same apartment, keep the dog, graduate in December 2008, work at Woodland while I have a CPE position (because ALL CPE positions are unpaid) and then go from there after May when I ACTUALLY graduate (walk across stage) and get ordained. Woodland is having some money issues and has considered not keeping the student position past when I'm supposed to be in school (i.e. December)....change in plans.

My landlord says she will let me out of my lease IF I find a position out of state come December, so potentially I CAN move back to KC and take a CPE position while I (dreadfully) move back in with my parents and live off them for a while... (Not that I don't love my parents, there's just something about moving BACK in with your parents when you are 26 and have a master's degree). Change in plans...

I've really convinced myself that I want to live here in KY for a while after I graduate and I've been struggling with this for a while. Let me preface this by saying, THERE IS ABSOLUTELY NO DISRESPECT FOR ANYONE WHO LIVES IN KC, GREW UP IN KC AND STAYED THERE. SERIOUSLY - NO DISRESPECT TO YOU AT ALL

I feel like if I come back to Kansas City and get a job there, then I've somehow failed in my life's calling. Again, I have no disrespect for my friends or family who went off to college, lived elsewhere for a while and then came back to KC to raise family and follow life etc... But I guess that forever I've just felt like that wasn't for me. I was supposed to be the one running off across to the other side of the world, saving the world one day at a time, living in remote countries, because that wouldn't bother me, it excites me. I was supposed to be the crazy aunt who had all these crazy stories to share with nieces and nephews at Christmas and Easter when I came home to visit from the jungle and mud-hut I was living in. I'm the one who was supposed to "BreakAway" from the norm and live "the different" life.... And so I struggle with the thought of coming back to Kansas City... like I'm failing at my life if I come home. So - since all these things have "popped up" in life and for me seem to keep pointing me home to KC... I've started thinking that maybe I'll graduate in December 2008... head home to KC and see what happens. Change of plans...

Now my senior minister has recently announced that he is leaving Woodland CC June 22. This most certainly does not mean I'm immediately going to step up into his position by any means, but it most certainly means a change of plans. Regardless of any money issues, I envision that my position will be kept for the simple fact of consistency. Apart from the importance of a youth program and a student associate position, my presence can (and I hope will) help the church with such a change. My senior pastor is leaving on good terms and is headed for a great opportunity - so the church, although it will be mourning his loss, is also still headed in a promising direction. Regardless though, I imagine my role at the church expanding. I imagine it expanding as we search for an interim, or as I become more part-time than the student position I currently hold. Some people have also asked me if I would consider taking the senior pastorate job if things "turned out that way." No idea, and there's so much ahead of the church and so many decisions to be made that I won't even speculate. Don't get me wrong, I love Woodland - but I need to focus on "definites" right now and not think about possibilities. Because the definites are few and the possibilities are endless...But regardless... just as I'm "coming to terms" with the idea of heading home to KC - there's a change of plans and it appears as if I am needed here for at least a while longer.

I'm struggling. I understand, plans need to be fluid. We never know what curveball life is going to throw at us, so I understand that in my "plans" I need to be ready for anything. But I also feel that when I make the slightest plans in my life (like what I'm doing next week) that another curveball is thrown at me. Come on, can't I even plan for next week!?!

I want a damn treasure map. Something that points in me in the right direction, in a definte and with out question manner. Believe me, I know I'm supposed to be "giving it to God" and letting God "show me my plan" but seriously - how many people in society are willing to let their life be THAT up in the air? I mean, I think I do a pretty dang good job not knowing what my life will be like in one year, I'm just asking for an idea of it in six months. There's a lot of people who would have a heart attack and die if they didn't know what their life would look like six months ahead.... And I guess that in all reality, I'm not even asking for a definite plan - just quit with the conflicting ideas, the conflicting "signs" that point me in 14 different directions. And seriously... I still need help with the whole moving back to KC thing.... because its still not sitting right...

Ugh...