Some of you may know - some may not - but I'm currently in Baton Rouge, LA interviewing for an associate position at a church down here in the area. I've been hesitant to talk about any of the positions I've been called for, just because I'm so unsure. I'm not really superstitious, but at the same time, I don't want to jinx a position by talking about it. Simultaneously, I'm so unsure of what I want right now - its hard to articulate what's been going through my mind.
I desperately want to be working in my field, in ministry that I've been going to school for and training for, for so long. However, I've also been in school for the last 21 years of my life. I'm unsure of how to live my life outside of school. I'm not sure I can live life unless its in semester increments and that's scary to me. I know most of my friends went through this small "quarter" life crisis four years ago when they finished college - but finishing my graduate degree now has forced me to experience that floundering of not really being sure where you're going, where you're headed or knowing where you think you might want to be headed.
I'm young, single, no children, no significant other - if there is any time in my life to live in another city and have fun and experience life - living life for me, being a little selfish - it's now. When I have a significant other and children there are hundreds of other things to take into consideration. Will there be a job market for my significant other? Are the schools systems good? Will my children grow up in a healthy environment here?
But at the same time - I sincerely love and miss my family and my nieces and nephews. I feel like I've always been understood as "the one" who was going to "break away" and do something out of the ordinary - get out of town so to speak - but I can't decided if I put myself in that situation - if I was pushed into that characterization or if its some combination of both. And now I'm wondering and questioning which one is really me.
I have absolutely loved living in Lexington, and have been completely fine moving away from my family at that point. But for whatever reason - this seems SO different - so much more permanent - so different. Why though? I knew seminary was only going to be around 4 years and anymore many associates only stay at a position about 5 - 7 years. Not that I would be pushed out after that - but whatever church I end up at in the next few months would most likely NOT be surprised if in 5 years I announced I was moving.
So all these things and thoughts, questions and insecurities are compounded by the fact that this is really a two day long interview - which to say the least is terrifying. The people have been amazing and it has nothing to do with them. But I've always been fine in a "regular" interview setting. Not to blow smoke up my own skirt, but I can handle an interview pretty well. I know how to dress myself up and participate in an interview across a board room table, or in someone's office. I apprently don't however know how to conduct an interview that is two days long, includes 4 meals and several "casual" and "business" situations - and the interaction of the two.
I think I've tried to convince myself over the last couple of months that there's no reason I should be stressed with life right now - I technically have no job (yes I have a part time job - but you know what I mean), I don't have school responsibilities and I'm just living off the generosity of other people at the moment. So in all reality I shouldn't have a huge amount of stress. At the same time - this interview has my very flustered and unsure of myself. Again - not to build myself up - but this is a weird feeling for me and that compounds the situation by the fact that I'm really unsure how to handle it...
So in the end - this interview process started this afternoon - around 3pm - and it actually has been really nice. It's been very laid back and I feel like there will be a fantastic opportunity for the church to get to know me and vice versa in a very relaxed yet serious and committed manner. They've been so nice and so wonderful.
But I'm also terrified and sort of want to vomit.