Sunday, October 04, 2009

Random Musings...

I haven't written a blog in a while... so here goes...

Part of the reason I haven't written a blog for a while is I haven't felt particularly passionate about one thing long enough to devote my time and energy to blog about it. My life has felt rather disjointed lately - so it's hard to find the commitment. But I know writing is very cathartic and liberating for me - so I know I should do it more often...

I find myself starting blogs, because I have a quick moment - but I save them as a draft and never finish. Something else steals my attention to the point that I can't focus on the original blog. I think part of it is that I had 6 months off of this crazy schedule I call my life.

I went from having two part time jobs and going to school full time - to one full-time job and school, to one full-time job, to NOTHING. And nothing for six months was good and bad. In those six months I slept! I've never felt so rested in all my life! I lost 15 pounds just by getting enough sleep and not eating at odd hours of the day. I had time to walk the pup, time for myself and I got addicted to a couple TV shows I can't give up now.

I'm SOO happy I moved to BR, LA - seriously I am. I know some people will jump to conclusions that I'm second guessing that decision - but I'm not. I know this is the place that God wanted me, the place that was right for me, right now. I feel like this church is a great place and a congregation in which we can work TOGETHER. Don't get me wrong, I know I am doing this for a profession - but its nice to know the congregation wants to be a part of the family of faith, not just an observer of such a community.

But the newness has worn off, I'm back into an old schedule, and I'm back to multiple jobs. It's like I forgot how to work and live with multiple jobs - so I'm not doing very well at it. I feel like I can't give my all to the church, and that makes me very sad. I want to give all of me to this job - I love it, and when that time comes that I can give ALL of myself, because they can support me in that - then I will. But in the mean time, I know that I will give all I can.

I want to succeed here, I want to be a part of something greater - that I know is possible in this congregation - but its just figuring out how that will work, figuring out if there is a long haul in waiting - or if something exciting will happen soon - if I will be able to give all of myself in the very near future. I trust that it will all work out the way it should, but its the anxiety of waiting in the unknown that wears me down.

I do miss my friends - but I'm making new ones here. It hasn't been instantaneous - but I didn't expect it to be. But I am finding a place here. I'm finding that I fit.

But I still miss Brooke.

I'll admit it - I've shared this with others, it's no secret - when Michael and I split I really found a "new" best friend in Brooke. Not that Brooke and I weren't friends before that, but she was there for me (as were MANY others) - but Brooke provided something for me that was healing and provided wholeness.

And then we lost her.

So now I don't know where I stand. I KNOW I have friends, I know I'm not alone - but it's just not comfortable when old wounds are torn open because of new experiences. These new experiences aren't necessarily bad - but they require stretching and growth, flexibility and extension - all of which can put stress on old wounds.

I'm doing well - I really am.

It's time to sit back, take a deep breath, and re-assess. I came out of the starting gate at a full sprint - and I kept going at that full sprint - and it wore me out.

I'm thrilled to start this new pursuit - I think it will be good.

I'm happy with the new pursuit.

But I need to get my head on straight again - it's been a little jolted.

Straighten up - work hard - enjoy life - live, laugh, and love - a lot!

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