Friday, January 30, 2009

Dear Brooke...

I've missed you the past couple of days... I went to a movie and I cried becasue it was about best friends being there for one another - and about knowing you better than you know yourself. You'd laugh at the sheer irony of the situation... but I sat down to watch ER last night... and I couldn't.... hospitals and people laying in hospital beds - it was too much for me last night. Good thing it was a re-run - otherwise I might have been mad at you. :) I go back and forth - there are some moments when I feel like you wouldn't want me to dwell on the situation - and that you'd want me to get off my ass and do my work. And then there's moments where I feel like if I trivialize our relationship - and try to make myself think, "we were just girlfriends..." then somehow it will make the pain easier. But it doesn't - and then I feel bad. Because you were my best friend. You knew me better than I knew myself and you helped me see myself - in the good and the bad light. And I miss you terribly...
You know - someone told me the other day, "You'll be a stronger person for having lived through this," to which I wanted to scream at them and tell them to "Shut up! I would rather be the weakest person on earth if it meant having Brooke back-than to be a 'strong person' for having lived through something like this." But I know what they meant - and I know plenty of people have said stupid things to you during your struggles. Heck - I might have said stupid things. But I just smiled politely and said thank you, because no one knows what to say in situations like this. There is never a completely right thing to say.
I'm getting back into the swing of things and going to work... It's helping - but it makes me feel bad. I don't want you to think I'm forgetting about you because I'm getting back into "the grind." I think about you often - about what you would be doing right now - and what you would say if I called you needing advice on a particular situation. And with that being said - you'd tell me to quit writing a blog and get back to work. :) Because that way we could hang out in the evening - since I'd gotten all my work done for the day... I love you babe - we all did and do and will... I know you're with us...somehow... I can feel you in my heart.

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