Hmm... so what's been going on in my life lately?
Summer started out with a bang - I hit the ground running and haven't really stopped yet. Summer started with the mission trip with FCCBRLA. If you want to read about the mission trip you can visit the blog dedicated solely to the mission of FCCBRLA at http://fccbrlamission.blogspot.com/
Between VBS at church and preparing for preaching three Sundays in a row, I've hardly found time to breathe - but here I am.
Here I am. And I'm feeling apathetic. It's weird to not have an "end result" to be working towards. Granted, yes, there are the deadlines that come and go each year, the begining of the school year (youth group), Advent and Christmas, Lent and Easter, graduation and preparation for summer, Summer, etc, but it's weird to not have a specific "end result" that I'm working toward, like graduation or ordination, or the end of the job search. It's a hard transition to make, and one I'm still working at. I can't tell if it's living in the new city and still getting used to that, or if it's just getting used to life where I don't have a "next step." I've always had a next step.
However, it's weird that I'm frustrated by this. Because when people ask me what I do for a living and I say that I'm an associate minister I also get questions about how long it will be before I'm a senior minister, or how long I plan to stay in the south etc etc. But that bothers me. I don't have an answer. My ultimate goal is not necessarily to be a senior minister. My ultimate goal is not necessarily to live here for a specific amount of time and then change. I'd like to live in the moment, enjoy what I do and work hard toward my current position, but questions like that make it hard to do. I couldn't see myself doing anything else on a daily basis. And I'd like to enjoy what I do now, without always having to look forward to what's next - why can't I be happy for what I've accomplished now?
This reminds me of something I struggle with in my faith. Why are we always looking forward to the after-life, to the eternal life? Granted, I realize this is a lot of what Christianity is for many people - it encompasses all that they live for and all that they have been saved for - but what happens to the now? Why are we not allowed to live in the moment and to enjoy the life we've been given without guilt? Because it's not the beautiful life we're living now that reminds us of eternal life - it's the guilt and the sin that plagues us that forces us to look towards a time when sin will be no more. How do you navigate this middle ground? How do you live in the here and now striving to live up to the example we have in Jesus Christ without ignoring the notion of eternal life? Can you successfully live in the in-between? I know I'm doing my best to live in the interim - but I suppose if others struggle with this transition as well or if I'm the only one? Based on life experience - I would doubt that I'm the only one. But it can definitely feel like it sometimes.
Welcome to life my friend. You'll be restless for that NEXT STEP for the next 25 years. Then one day about 26 years from now you'll say "screw it, I'm tired of there always being a higher rung on the ladder so I'm hanging out here for a while". It's kind of a peaceful feeling once you get used to it!
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